A humor piece
Dear Michael,
We have a sofa situation. I’ve tried every which way to get welcomed onto your new sofa, but I now realize you’ve had other plans. So after much begging, puppy eyes, and whimpering, I’m now at my last-ditch attempt: this letter. By the way, I know you tried to throw me a bone by putting my dog bed near the sofa — but we both know that’s not gonna cut it.
First of all, everything was just so much better when I was allowed to curl up on the old sofa. So cozy! I’m tired of hearing “sorry buddy, not anymore.” I truly was a valuable asset to the whole sofa experience. You know how yesterday you were saying this new sofa wasn’t “lived in” enough? Exactly! I’m at your service, ready to “live in” the sofa like no one has ever “lived in” a sofa before! Don’t ever worry about stiff cushions or bleach white upholstery again.
Not only is the sofa terribly bland and new, but there is no longer anyone to keep it warm while you’re not on it. And here I am meanwhile, just a few feet away, ready and waiting to be a couch-warmer. I’ll even work at minimum wage — only 20 treats per hour. Even if you asked every dog in the neighborhood, you wouldn’t get an offer better than that!
When you finally decide to come sit down on the sofa, be rest assured that you’ll still get your money’s worth — because I am world-infamous for being the best and most willing vacuum! Bring all the food over: the popcorn, the ice cream, and ohhhhh, especially the burgers and the hot dogs! Yum! Don’t worry about dropping food. If any of it falls, swoosh! Never fear, I’m here to make it disappear.
On the occasion that you decide to start a sad movie, I’ll be right there for moral support — even if it’s after midnight and everybody else has fallen asleep. They might’ve failed you, but I never will! Go ahead, bawl your eyes out. (I’ll never tell anyone, I promise.)
Once you’ve had enough movies, it’s quite foreseeable that you’d want to read a book. So say hello to the world’s most steadfast reading buddy! There’s a 100% chance you lost your reading glasses, but there’s also a 100% chance of my knowing exactly where they are. Clearly, I know the ins and outs of this entire house — so it’s time for me to get to know this new sofa too.
Here’s one last closing thought that might just convince you to welcome me back onto the sofa. Now you know how modest I am, but I really do need to gently remind you that it truly is all to my credit that we even got to get a new sofa (you know, after the chewing incident and all). Since I was the inspiration for getting a new sofa, isn’t it only fair I’d get to participate in breaking it in?
With love and squeaky toys,
Jasper